dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
