3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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