Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
