Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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