I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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