A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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