Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
