I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
