What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
