Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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