And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
