under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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