i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
