I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
