I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
