So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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