I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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