i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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