Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
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