I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Houston, we have a blender
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
