We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
