Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
