Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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