Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
