nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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