before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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