who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I enjoy the company of your penis
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
