theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
