Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
