Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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