how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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