i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
