his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
