i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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