dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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