Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
