Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
