Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
