Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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