wat bout pragnant strippers??
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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