Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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