i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
