I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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