Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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