well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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