I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
