I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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