Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
