Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
