How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
